Prologuean Proportions
by Laziness Incarnate
Summary: FFIV - Just a drunken interpretation of the beginning of the game, up until our heroes leave Baron Castle. I'll admit I wrote this years ago, forgot about it, found it, and said what the hell, why not. [One-shot]


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Prologuean Proportions

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Red Wing: Man, that was a lousy mission. 

Cecil: Yes...I must speak to the king about the moral implications of the raid... 

Red Wing: Moral whatzis? No, man. I'm talking about the lack of overtime pay, and the crappy health benefits! My buddy's got his arm in a sling, man, and he doesn't even get worker's comp! It's a crazy world, you know? 

Cecil: But surely, your conscience must bother you after what we did? Perhaps a guidance counselor is needed? 

Red Wing: Um. Like, no. 

Cecil: Not even a fortune cookie? 

Red Wing: Dude. Get with it. 

Cecil: I must speak with the king. (dashes off) 

Red Wing: ..._So_ uptight.

  


* * * * *

  


King: Now, Captain Cecil. My good man Baigan here says you have _une petite problemme_, so to speak. Come on, don't be afraid of speaking your mind. Spit it out! 

Cecil: Well, uh, I was sorta...thinking... 

King: What!? _Thinking!_ How dare you! No one in my kingdom is allowed to bloody _think!_ Not even me! 

Cecil: Er-- 

King: And now further insubordination, you son of a Fabulian pig-dog! That's it, I won't stand for this any longer! 

Cecil: But-- 

King: INSUBORDINATION! TRIBULATION! AMPUTATION! 

Baigan: He means to say that according to federal bylaw 2436, which was passed by triumviral mandate, senatorial consensual mandate, et al., at the three hundred and first congressional meeting of the Pentecostal year, that is, last Thursday, all officers of rank higher than lieutenant but lower than general who even _think_ in passing about crossing His Royal Highness (may he live forever) shall be immediately ejected from the service of His Royal Highness (may he live forever).* 

Cecil: Huh? 

Baigan: You're fired. 

Cecil: Oh. Oh! Hey, waitaminute-- 

(Just then, Kain barges in through the doors with a loud clatter of armour.) 

Kain: Your Majesty! 

King: Et tu, Kain? 'Tis a sad, sad day for Baron, that we must amputate two of our (formerly) strongest limbs! Oh, mercy on us! 

Kain: Quoi? 

Baigan: He means to say that according to federal bylaw 2436...aw screw it, you're fired. 

Cecil: Again? 

Baigan: Not you. Kain. 

Kain: What did I do?! 

Cecil: So I'm _not_ fired? 

Baigan: You wish. 

Kain: Hold on here, I haven't done anything wrong! Why the hell am I getting fired? 

King: Because we can. 

Kain: ... 

Baigan: Aw, you two look like kicked puppies--ie, pathetic. Here, we'll give you a break, and I don't mean an amputation. If you do a little errand for us and deliver this suspicious-looking package to Mist village, we'll consider rehiring you. 

Kain: That doesn't sound too hard. 

Baigan: And if you open the package or screw up in any way, we _will_ amputate you. Literally. 

Cecil: But-- 

Baigan: Time's up. Guards, get these two errand boys out of here. 

(A couple of burly, identical guards shove our heroes out of the audience hall/throne room and shut the massive doors.) 

Cecil: Gee, Kain, I'm sorry. 

Kain: You bet your unemployed booty you're sorry! Dammit, how am I going to get promoted with this black mark on my record? Some friend you are. 

Cecil: I'm so sorry, but I need to talk to you about the Red Wings' mission in Mysidia-- 

Kain: Shush! I'm going to drown my sorrows in a good, stiff drink. Wake me out of my drunken stupor in the morning so we can go deliver that blasted package. Ta ta. 

(Cecil forlornly waves goodbye to Kain, who's too busy prowling around for beer to notice. Our heroic Dark Knight totters about for a while, looking for things to do until bedtime.) 

Cid: Yo, Cecil! 

Cecil: Yo. 

(After meeting up with Cid, a character we'll most certainly forget about since he's absent for the next few hours of gameplay, Cecil finds his lady love waiting for him.) 

Rosa: Cecil! 

Cecil: Rosa! 

Rosa: Cecil! 

Cecil: Rosa! 

Rosa: Cecil! 

Cecil: Rosa! 

Rosa: What's wrong, dear? You're not saying my name with as much lovelorn longing as you usually do. 

Cecil: I was bylaw 2436'ed. 

Rosa: You were fired?! What for? 

Cecil: Well, I-- 

Rosa: Actually, the reason doesn't matter, as long as you get your job back. There's no way I'm marrying a jobless, penniless lout. 

Cecil: But-- 

Rosa: No nookie for you until you get your job back, mister! Hmph. 

(Cecil goes to his tower and climbs into bed, even though it's 5:00 in the afternoon, and waits for Rosa. He hopes that she didn't mean it when she said she'd withhold nookie from him.) 

Rosa: Cecil, I've come up here to remind you that...ooooh, I can't get over how delicious you look when you sleep in full armour. Forget what I said earlier and get over here, you studmuffin you. 

Cecil: Rosa, I need to talk to you about Mysidia--mph! 

Rosa: (gives him kissyface) 

Cecil: Rosa! This game is...mmmm...supposed to...hrmmm...be rated PG... 

Rosa: We'll have to turn off the lights then, won't we? 

Cecil: ...'kay.

  


* * * * *

  


(The next morning, Cecil finds Kain, as promised, passed out drunk in the corner of the castle barroom. After hauling the dragoon to his feet and force-feeding him a bottle of aspirin, the two are ready to begin their illustrious quest.) 

Kain: Let us walk boldly out the front gates with our heads held high, shall we? 

Cecil: Let us go...to deliver this package! 

(Inspiring music swells in the background.) 

Door guard: You guys the postmen? 

Cecil: Well...yeah. Temporarily. 

Door guard: Servants take the side door. 

Kain: Come on, Bill, it's us. You know, captain of the Dragoons and captain of the Red Wings? 

Door Guard: Servants take the side door. 

Kain: Dammit! We outrank your scrawny, bureaucratic ass by--by a lot! 

Door Guard: Servants take the side door. 

Cecil: Forget it, Kain, let's just do what he says. 

Kain: (grumbles) 

_And that is how the quest began..._

* * *

*I borrowed the "(may he live forever)" tagline straight from _The Horse and His Boy_, from C.S. Lewis's _Narnia_ series. May his works live forever.

Author's Notes: I can't even remember writing this, but it was in my handwriting...and no, I am definitely not continuing this. Nope. 


End file.
